August 17, 2004. I enter a "Professor's Chat" room and find one person asking for a female "maths teacher". Sensing this could be fun, I take the bait.

GaryZeroSixThree: HI
i_loveu31: ur als
GaryZeroSixThree: I AM 31/F/CANADA
i_loveu31: ur maths teacher
GaryZeroSixThree: SOMETIMES. I MOSTLY TEACH HISTORY
i_loveu31: social
GaryZeroSixThree: MATH ISN'T HIGH ON MY LIST OF TALENTS. HEH.
i_loveu31: oky
GaryZeroSixThree: WHY? ARE YOU LOOKING FOR HELP?
i_loveu31: no
i_loveu31: i am 25 male
GaryZeroSixThree: OH, RIGHT. NEVER DID ASK YOU.
GaryZeroSixThree: HI
i_loveu31: u have any problem if im young than u
GaryZeroSixThree: NOT AT ALL
i_loveu31: why u like young guys
GaryZeroSixThree: I DON'T MIND THEM. WHY DO YOU ASK?
i_loveu31: naturally i like old girls and young girls
i_loveu31 : i think ur not 2 young and noy 2 old
GaryZeroSixThree: THATS GOOD, I THINK
i_loveu31 : ya
i_loveu31 : right
i_loveu31 : u have boy friend
GaryZeroSixThree: RECENTLY SEPARATED, ACTUALLY

---

i_loveu31 has selected the "Falling Hearts" IMVironment.

---

i_loveu31 : why any problem

What the hell? Okay, now the screen is raining little hearts as we're chatting. Weirdo.

GaryZeroSixThree: I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT. IT WASN'T THE MOST PLEASANT EXPERIENCE.
i_loveu31 : oky
i_loveu31 : i think ur married
i_loveu31 : right
GaryZeroSixThree: I WAS
i_loveu31 : what
i_loveu31 : u dint married till now
BUZZ!!!

Note: The "buzz" is a little feature to try to get someone's attention. It shakes the screen. It is extremely annoying.

GaryZeroSixThree: I'M SORRY, WHAT?
i_loveu31 : u dint married till now

---

i_loveu31 has selected the "Resident Evil" IMVironment.

---

What? Okay, I can see why he picked the falling hearts thing, but why Resident Evil?

GaryZeroSixThree: I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN
i_loveu31 has unloaded the IMVironment.

Thank you.

i_loveu31 : do u have kids
GaryZeroSixThree: NO
i_loveu31 : u dont have hubby
i_loveu31 : are u a virgin
GaryZeroSixThree: I WAS MARRIED. WE SPLIT UP
i_loveu31 : u dint fucked ur husbend
i_loveu31 : then why u dint got kids
i_loveu31 : then why u dint have kids
GaryZeroSixThree: BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT KIDS YET.
GaryZeroSixThree: WE WERE ONLY TOGETHER 16 MONTHS
i_loveu31 : ok
GaryZeroSixThree: WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
i_loveu31 : india
BUZZ!!!
GaryZeroSixThree: DO YOU LIVE THERE NOW, OR ARE YOU ONLY FROM INDIA?
i_loveu31 : i am from india only
i_loveu31 : i am alone heir
i_loveu31 : i have a showroom of mobile phones

Hahaha! What the hell??

GaryZeroSixThree: ENGLISH IS NOT YOUR FIRST LANGUAGE, RIGHT?
i_loveu31 : ya
i_loveu31 : hindi is the 1st language
GaryZeroSixThree: IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING, WHERE DID YOU LEARN ENGLISH? DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL FOR IT, OR DID YOU LEARN IT FROM PEOPLE WHO SPEAK ENGLISH AROUND YOU?
i_loveu31 : i learned my self
i_loveu31 : i learn myself
i_loveu31 : why
BUZZ!!!
GaryZeroSixThree: DO YOU KNOW THE RULES OF CAPITALIZATION?
i_loveu31 : ya
i_loveu31 : why
GaryZeroSixThree: I PREFER TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT IS LIBERATING
i_loveu31 : OK
GaryZeroSixThree: YOU SEE, LOWERCASE IS LOSERCASE

Thanks go out to Nanami for accidentally inventing the phrase "losercase"

i_loveu31 : YA RIGHT
i_loveu31 : U HAVE CAM
GaryZeroSixThree: NO, I DON'T
GaryZeroSixThree: I WISH TO PROTECT MY IDENTITY, FOR I AM SPEARHEADING A CAMPAIGN AGAINST TRADITIONAL FORMS OF CAPITALIZATION
i_loveu31 : OKY
GaryZeroSixThree: I HAVE UNDERGONE GREAT PERSECUTION IN MY VIEWS
i_loveu31 : Come here you. Come on. Closer. Closer.
i_loveu31 : Hey sexy
These are called audibles. They're little flash animations that speak a single short phrase (which is also readable next to the images).
They were invented for people who prefer to say "Hey sexy" out of the mouth of a cartoon puffer fish.

GaryZeroSixThree: I SEE LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE SIMPLY A THOUGHTLESS CONFORMITY TO SOCIETY'S MINDLESS RULES.
i_loveu31 : YA
i_loveu31 : E
i_loveu31 : SAME HEIR
i_loveu31 : NOW IM AT HOME
i_loveu31 : I AM ONLY WITH MY UNDERWARE
GaryZeroSixThree: WE MUST HERALD IN A NEW WORLD ORDER. WILL YOU JOIN US AGAINST OUR AUTOMATON OPPRESSORS?
i_loveu31 : I MEAN I WEAR ONLY UMDERWARE
i_loveu31 : UNDERWARE
i_loveu31 : WHITE COLOUR UNDERWARE
i_loveu31 : WHAT U WARE
i_loveu31 : BIKINIS
GaryZeroSixThree: SURE, WHY NOT?
i_loveu31 : U LIKE 2 SEE GUYS PENIS

Uh . . . huh?

GaryZeroSixThree: THAT DEPENDS. ARE YOU GOING TO SEND ME A PICTURE?
i_loveu31 : I WILL SEE
GaryZeroSixThree: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?
i_loveu31 : WHY U WANT 2 SEE MY PENIS
GaryZeroSixThree: YOU SAID IT. I DIDN'T.
i_loveu31 : OKY
i_loveu31 : WHATS UR BRA SIZE
GaryZeroSixThree: 18C
i_loveu31 : SO SMALL
GaryZeroSixThree: C ISN'T SMALL
i_loveu31 : UR NIPPLE SRAE SMALL OR MIDIUM
i_loveu31 : OR BIG
i_loveu31 : UR NIPPLE ARE SMALL OR MIDIUM
i_loveu31 : OR BIG

How rude. By now It's pretty obvious what this guy wants.

GaryZeroSixThree: LET ME ASK MY SISTER
i_loveu31 : WHY U DONT KNOW UR NIPPLES SIZE
GaryZeroSixThree: I FORGET
i_loveu31 : WHY U SHOULD ASK UR SISTER
GaryZeroSixThree: CAUSE NO ONE ELSE IS HOME EXCEPT MY MOM AND I'M NOT GOING TO ASK HER
i_loveu31 : OKY
i_loveu31 : WHAT ABOUT UR FATHER
GaryZeroSixThree: MY SISTER THINKS THEY MIGHT BE MEDIUM
GaryZeroSixThree: MY FATHER IS DEAD
i_loveu31 : OHH I AM SORRY
i_loveu31 : UR SISTER HAS BF
GaryZeroSixThree: THAT'S OKAY, WE STILL SEE HIM EVERY NOW AND THEN. HE HAS BEEN PRESERVED AND HE IS IN A GLASS COFFIN
i_loveu31 : OK
GaryZeroSixThree: MY SISTER HAS A GIRLFRIEND, WHO KNOWS JIU JITSU
i_loveu31 : OK
i_loveu31 : U WILL SEE ALL SEXY GUYS IN UR SCHOOL
i_loveu31 : RIGHT
GaryZeroSixThree: SOMETIMES
GaryZeroSixThree: CANADA DOESN'T HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE. MY COLLEGE IS IN ALBERTA WHICH IS A SMALL PROVINCE
i_loveu31 : COLLAGE IS THEIR IN UR SCHOOL
i_loveu31 : WHITCH EVER GUY U LIKE U CAN TALK WITH THEM
i_loveu31 : RIGHT
GaryZeroSixThree: YEAH, BUT I'VE BEEN MARRIED BEFORE SO I COULDN'T
GaryZeroSixThree: ARE YOU STILL WEARING YOUR UNDERWEAR
i_loveu31 : YA
i_loveu31 : WHATS UR UNDERWARE COLOUR
i_loveu31 : MINE IS WHITE
GaryZeroSixThree: MINE IS BLACK AND RED
GaryZeroSixThree: IT'S TWO-TONE
GaryZeroSixThree: AND IT HAS A SPIDER-MAN LOGO
i_loveu31 : OHHH NICE COLOUR
i_loveu31 : AND LOGO
i_loveu31 : SPIDERMAN 2
i_loveu31 : RIGHT
GaryZeroSixThree: NO, SPIDER-MAN ONE
i_loveu31 : OKY
i_loveu31 : SPIDER MAN WILL SEE UR PUSSY
BUZZ!!!
i_loveu31 : SPIDER MAN WILL SEE UR PUSSY
i_loveu31 : SPIDER MAN WILL SEE UR PUSSY
i_loveu31 : RIGHT
BUZZ!!!
GaryZeroSixThree: PROBABLY NOT. HE'S A FICTIONAL CHARACTER
i_loveu31 : OKY
GaryZeroSixThree: ARE YOU TRYING TO ASK ME FOR CYBER-SEX?
i_loveu31 : DID U SHOWN UR PUSSY 2 ANY GUY IN UR SCHOOL
i_loveu31 : YA
GaryZeroSixThree: LET ME ASK MY MOM
i_loveu31 : ARE U MAD
i_loveu31 : WHY U WILL ASK UR MOM
GaryZeroSixThree: MY MOM SAYS IT'S OKAY
i_loveu31 : DID U SHOWN UR PUSSY 2 ANY GUY IN UR SCHOOL
GaryZeroSixThree: NO
i_loveu31 : I THINK NOW UR PUSSY IS WET
i_loveu31 : RIGHT
GaryZeroSixThree: I MIGHT HAVE SPILLED MY MOUNTAIN DEW
i_loveu31 :
i_loveu31 : MILK WILL COME FROM UR NIPPLES
GaryZeroSixThree: IT'S POSSIBLE
i_loveu31 : MY PENIS IS GETTING UP
i_loveu31 : WHAT ABOUT U NIPPLES
GaryZeroSixThree: THEY SEEM TO BE FINE FOR NOW
GaryZeroSixThree: IF YOU WANT, I CAN ASK MY SISTER AGAIN
i_loveu31 : NO
i_loveu31 : U AS UR SIS WHOLD SHE FUCKES ME
i_loveu31 : U ASK UR SIS WHOLD SHE FUCKES ME
i_loveu31 : SORRY
i_loveu31 : U ASK UR SISTER WHETHERSHE FUCKES ME OR NOT
i_loveu31 : I love it when you type real slow
i_loveu31 : Hey sexy
Not this again.

GaryZeroSixThree: YOU WANT ME TO ASK MY SISTER, WHO HAS A GIRLFRIEND, WHETHER SHE WOULD FUCK A COMPLETE STRANGER FROM INDIA THAT I JUST NOW MET?
i_loveu31 : MY PENIS WANTS 2 GO INSIDE UR PUSSY
i_loveu31 : ARE U READY 2 PUT MY PENIS IN UR PUSSY
GaryZeroSixThree: SURE. JUST LET ME FIRE UP MY CHAINSAW
i_loveu31 : MY PENIS IS 7 INCHES
i_loveu31 : SPACE IS THEIR FOR MY PENIS IN UR PUSSY
i_loveu31 : 7 INCHES
GaryZeroSixThree: DO YOU WANT MY SPIDERMAN BRA?
i_loveu31 : NO
GaryZeroSixThree: IT WOULD LOOK GOOD ON YOU
i_loveu31 : U SHOULD REMOVE UR BRA WHEN I FUCK U
i_loveu31 : NO I AM NOT A GIRL 2 WARE BRA
GaryZeroSixThree: THAT'S OKAY
i_loveu31 : ANY GUY TOLD U IN UR SCHOOL THAT UR SEXY
GaryZeroSixThree: DO YOU THINK I'M SEXY?
i_loveu31 : YA
GaryZeroSixThree: THEN THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, RIGHT?
i_loveu31 : WHY UT NOT SEYX
GaryZeroSixThree: OH AND THE GREEN MUTANTS THAT FLOAT AROUND OUTSIDE MY HOUSE SAY THAT I'M SEXY
i_loveu31 : OKY
GaryZeroSixThree: I NAMED THEM DUFIE, LUFIE, AND SPUCKET
i_loveu31 : NICE GOOD
GaryZeroSixThree: SPUCKET ISN'T SO MUCH GREEN AS HE IS ORANGY-BLUE
i_loveu31 : OK
i_loveu31 : HOW MANY GUYS U CAN FUCK AT A TIME
i_loveu31 : U LIKE GROUP SEX

What is wrong with this guy? He wants cyber-sex, but he prefers to simply ask rhetorical questions about female anatomy and storage capacity.
I can't seriously prank this guy until he actually makes a move.

GaryZeroSixThree: I'VE ONLY TRIED ONE, BUT IF MY MATH TEACHING HAS TAUGHT ME ANYTHING, PROBABLY ABOUT EIGHT OR NINE
GaryZeroSixThree: IT DEPENDS
i_loveu31 : 8 TO 9 GUY
GaryZeroSixThree: ARE ANY OF THEM MIDGETS
i_loveu31 : 8 TO 9 GUY
i_loveu31 : HOW CAN IT POSSIBLE
i_loveu31 : ONE ON UR PUSSY
GaryZeroSixThree: IT'S POSSIBLE IF SOME OF THEM ARE MIDGETS
i_loveu31 : ONE IN UR ASS
i_loveu31 : ONE WILL PRESS UR NIPPLES
GaryZeroSixThree: I MIGHT HAVE DONE THE MATH WRONG
i_loveu31 : OK
i_loveu31 : I WANT 2 FUCK U
GaryZeroSixThree: OKAY, MY CHAINSAW IS PROVIDING SOOTHING AMBIENT MUSIC
i_loveu31 : ARE U FAT
GaryZeroSixThree: NO
i_loveu31 : OKY
i_loveu31 : I DONT LIKE FAT GIRLS
i_loveu31 : U LIKE FAT GUYS
GaryZeroSixThree: ARE YOU FAT?
i_loveu31 : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
GaryZeroSixThree: THAN YOU'RE OKAY WITH ME
i_loveu31 : I BRIGHT IS 30\
i_loveu31 : YA I AM OKY WITH U
GaryZeroSixThree: NOW I JUST NEED TO PUT MY HAIR UP INTO PRINCESS LEIA BUNS AND I'M READY
i_loveu31 : OK
i_loveu31 : U LIKE FUCKING YOUNG GUYS OR OLD GUYS

Agrghgh!

GaryZeroSixThree: EITHER/OR
i_loveu31 : U LIKE FUCKING YOUNG GUYS OR OLD GUYS
GaryZeroSixThree: WHATEVER FITS
i_loveu31 : I AM 6 YEARS YOUNG IF WE FUCK ANY PPROBLEM 2 U
i_loveu31 : I DONT HAVE ANY PROBLEM
GaryZeroSixThree: NO
i_loveu31 : OKY
GaryZeroSixThree: ARE YOU READY?
i_loveu31 : UR PUSSY HOLE IS BIG
i_loveu31 : OR MIDIUM
GaryZeroSixThree: THANKS, THAT'S A VERY CHARMING COMPLIMENT
i_loveu31 : WHEN U FUCKED U GOT BLOOD FROM UR PUSSY
BUZZ!!!

How romantic.

GaryZeroSixThree: NO
i_loveu31 : OKY
i_loveu31 : U LIKE SUCKINH PENIS
GaryZeroSixThree: WE'LL SEE
i_loveu31 : U LIKE SUCKING PENIS
i_loveu31 : U SHOULD PUT MY PENIS IN UR MOUTH
i_loveu31 : OKY

Okay, I've had it. Time to mess up this man's little fantasy. Normally in these encounters, I try to keep things somewhat believable. In this case, however, I think I can throw credibility out the window.

GaryZeroSixThree: OH NO MY EX HUSBAND IS HERE AND HE'S REALLY MAD
i_loveu31 : AND U SHOULD SUCK IT
GaryZeroSixThree: HE TOOK MY CHAINSAW AND NOW HE'S CUTTING MY COMPUTER
GaryZeroSixThree: MY SISTER IS TRYING TO STOP HIM
GaryZeroSixThree: OH NO HE'S KILLED MY SISTER. IT'S MAYHEM!
i_loveu31 : UR SISTER IS UNMARRIED RIGHT5
GaryZeroSixThree: IT'S MADNESS, I TELL YOU!
i_loveu31 : UR SISTER IS UNMARRIED RIGHT5
GaryZeroSixThree: RIGHT
i_loveu31 : IF U DONT WANT 2 FUCK ME
GaryZeroSixThree: BUT NOW SHE'S DEAD
i_loveu31 : I WILL FUCK UR SISTER
i_loveu31 : OKY
i_loveu31 : WHATS HER AGE
GaryZeroSixThree: OH NO MY EX HUSBAND IS TRYING TO KILL ME. I HAVE TO USE MY KUNG FU THAT I LEARNED FROM AN OLD CHINESE MONK
i_loveu31 : OKY
i_loveu31 : U HAVE MOBILE
GaryZeroSixThree: OH NO HE CUT OFF MY RIGHT LEG
GaryZeroSixThree: I CAN ONLY BARELY CONTINUE TO CHAT
i_loveu31 : U HAVE MOBILE
GaryZeroSixThree: I AM FRIGHTENED FOR MY LIFE. PLEASE SEND HELP TO CANADA
i_loveu31 : U HAVE MOBILE
i_loveu31 : PLZ GIVE ME THE NUMBER
GaryZeroSixThree: NO I DON'T HAVE MOBILE. WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME IF I HAVE MOBILE IF I'M BEING SAVAGELY ATTACKED?
GaryZeroSixThree: OH NO, MY BEAUTIFUL FACE IS BEING CUT WITH SHARDS OF GLASS FROM MY WINDOW
i_loveu31 : OKY BYE I WANT 2 GO
GaryZeroSixThree: BUT IT WAS JUST GETTING SEXY
i_loveu31 : OKY BYE I WANT 2 GO
GaryZeroSixThree: HOLD ON MY HUSBAND WANTS TO CHAT
GaryZeroSixThree: Hi, sexy. What are you wearing?
i_loveu31 : MY PANT
GaryZeroSixThree: Well, I'm going to finish killing my wife and then we can go run off together and elope in India. See you later.
i_loveu31 : UR HER HUSBEND
GaryZeroSixThree: I will never forget you, i_loveu31. Our love will be like two men who are gay.
GaryZeroSixThree: Good bye
i_loveu31 : FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
i_loveu31 :
i_loveu31 : DONT FORGET MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
i_loveu31 :
i_loveu31 :
i_loveu31 :
i_loveu31 :
i_loveu31 :
i_loveu31 :
i_loveu31 : FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
GaryZeroSixThree: You don't seem to be taking much stock in my words.
i_loveu31 : FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
i_loveu31 : FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
i_loveu31 : FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
i_loveu31 : FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
i_loveu31 : FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
i_loveu31 : FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
i_loveu31 : FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
i_loveu31 : FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
i_loveu31 : FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
i_loveu31 : FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
i_loveu31 :
i_loveu31 :
i_loveu31 :
i_loveu31 :
i_loveu31 :
i_loveu31 :

Congratulations, i_loveu31. You are the first person I've put on my ignore list.