BARD'S TALE III: THE THIEF OF FATE
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So, soon afterwards I find the evil Temple to Tarjan.

Why I can't kill the priest and move on is beyond me, but I have a feeling it falls under "That's what they would expect" category once again.
 
As you can imagine, simply saying the name "Tarjan" proves to this priest that my elite team of seven warriors are fellow priests of the evil one, and he lets me by, despite my careless tongue.
Don't you love it when the bad guys are stupid?

I head down into the catacombs of this temple and am greeted by complete and utter darkness.

My attempts to equip a lamp do little (read: nothing) to brighten the area, although one of those wonderful secret messages popped up from mindless bumping around.

I went back to the surface and attempted every conceivable way to light the party's lamps, including freeing them of all equipped items first.
Finally, stupid me, I realize that I don't "equip" the lamp, I use the "use item" key.

Yay, it is lighted. Happy.
Unfortunately, a chance encounter with 2 Slathbeasts and a Nefast poisons and kills 6-penised Man. Noes!

Fortunately, I accidentally reset the game and picked up from the last time the adventurers equipped themselves.
    
After a few fights with an elite group of Black hobbits and a laughing snake, things were soon back to normal.
Right up to the point where I ventured back down and fought a group of phantoms.

I enjoyed the "Sorry, Bud" comment, but why exactly was it necessary to insert Jesus into this game?
I tried several times to fight just about anything in the dark dungeon to no avail.

The difference in monsters outside the temple and inside meant the difference between annoying kids with foam bats and fire-breathing dracula robots.
That picture is one of the former category, if you're wondering.

After a few fights, I managed to win a dungeon fight, during which Kess was killed. Okay, Kess wasn't a very interesting character and she was one of 3 warriors, so I decided to just get rid of her and create a new character.

A walkthrough suggested I have at least one other magic user. Thus;

Unfortunately, another magic user means:

Crap.

To try to get Mr. Vagina back up to speed with the others, I had the party wander around killing things. Interestingly, by the time he reached level 2, everyone else was ready for level 3.
Guess what?

Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Soon, I had all my characters up to level 5 simply from running down into the dungeon, pacing back in forth inside the first room until I encounter a monster, (the later rooms would be too dangerous) killing it, then going back up for healing.
I'm not sure at this point why I'm still playing the game. It seems more like work than fun. Maybe I just want to see what the specialty classes can do.

Soon enough, my warriors are just powerful enough to fight in the dungeon and only die about 50% of the time. By this time, any and all monsters outside the dungeon are too easy. And yet, they all continued to gain experience from incredibly easy opponents.
At one point my party fought a group of 3 dark gnomes. The outcome went something like this:

Baeru hides in the shadows and succeeds.
Fionca hits a gnome and immediately kills it.
6-penised Man hits a gnome and immediately kills it.
Ass Blaster VII hits a gnome and immediately kills it.

None of the gnomes caused any damage, none of my resources were used, no spells were cast, every single hit by my party was fatal, and the gnomes didn't even get a chance to swing. Each party member still got over 300 experience from it.

Interest in the game continued to dwindle until I stopped playing altogether. Weeks later, I finally go back and start it up again just so I can put an end to this article.
It's high time I decided to test the "Party Attack" option. After a brief message saying "Dissention among the ranks" I order 6-penised man to attack.
    
This started me thinking. Soon:
        
SEPPUKU!!
The party all took turns attacking themselves until they were all gone. Kaenis and Ass Blaster VII were the last to die. Not because they were tough and went out fighting to the bitter end, but because they were so bad at inflicting damage it took them several tries to succeed. The 6-penised man could swing away with his halberd and slice himself twice in one quick motion. Fionca could pummel herself with a barrage of unarmed strikes rendering herself dead. Kaenis, on the other hand, tried repeatedly to slap herself in the face with her staff. At one point she only dealt herself 1 HP of damage. I think in real life, 1 HP is roughly equivilent to getting hit in the face when someone opens a car door. Some people might get a nosebleed.
Take it away, Jesus.



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