CIVILIZATION II
PAGE UNO

In this game, I'm not simply controlling the lives of a family, or guiding a team of adventurers down the same dungeon over and over again. I am bestowed with the responsibility of a nation of great people. And that's why I must therefore take it that much more seriously.

The Tomonians are a proud and magical people, and as their Grand Emperor, I, Asshead Viking Man, will ensure that they earn their place amongst the greats.

To begin with, I need a city. When I'm given the task of naming this city, I take time to consider. This will be my capital city and its name will be well remembered by its people, and therefore must be one that is just perfectly grandiose and memorable. I run upstairs from the basement to get some cereal before I can make this decision. Then I come back down after realizing all we have is Corn Flakes and Bran Flakes.
After a quick remark about how all we have is "flakes", and we don't have any "frosted" or "loops", I return to the basement.

Finally, I come to a suitable name that can only come to one whose stomach is empty.


Now that the foundations have been built for a great civilization, it's about time we actually went about researching stuff and crap.

I feel great and powerful already.

I train a few warriors and build a barracks, and then my next great invention is revealed.

We made up the letters, but we didn't know what to do with them. Then we came up with the idea of writing them!


You bastard! And after my breakthrough in figuring out how to write things?

It doesn't stop there, either. Soon:

Yes! Now that we have learned how to write, we find we are able to read! This is indeed a memorable day.

Things move along nicely for a while, and soon I have two more cities.
 

Some other dingus decides he's going to write another list of advanced civilizations:

Okay, I'm getting there. I almost learned how to bury dead bodies, in fact.

As soon as I've fully grasped the concept, I'm sure we'll no longer have to worry about that little problem we've been having.
With all those dead people lying in the street and all.

Soon I have explored enough to realize that my civilization is on a freaking island!

That means no contact with other civilizations.
When I check on one of my many great cities, the complete stupidity of my advisors becoms apparent.

Unless those camels can swim, I'd say not.

No, I think you're right. I should build the catapult and fling my advisors from it.

Slowly the abhorrent stupor my kingdom suffers from begins to lift.

There's so much wrong with this message. I love it.

Of course, it's like the old saying goes. It's all fun and games until you unleash a horde of barbarians.


Well, eventually, I discovered that in fact, I was not on an island, but a peninsula. And finally I had made contact with my first neighbour.

Their illustrious queen does not make good first impressions, however.

I would have done it if she asked nicely, but I don't respond well to threats.


Nothing really happens for a while. Then out of the blue an Aztec warrior on horseback attacks my settler and is easily defeated.
Never underestimate a shirtless man with a shovel.

Interestingly enough this heated war is nothing compared to what was completely unseen.

Drag.
I wonder how that happened. The last report said they were the most advanced civilization.

What the hell?
Things seem to be going well so far, though.

Now, what do you have in mind?

Oh, a chair! Why that's marvelous. Now I no longer have to sit on that rock.
Thank you, my loyal craftsmen, masons, laborers, and artisans for building me a damn chair. How many people does it take to make a chair?

Amusingly enough, the Queen of the Aztecs forgets we're at war and grants me an audience to show off her new advancement in Chivalry.
She reminds me of a kid I probably had as a neighbour when I was a kid. I have a toy she wants, so she demands to play with it. I say no, she hates me. Then she gets a toy she likes and invites me over to brag about it. Soon she'll love me, and we'll be playing all the time, until she decides she wants another toy and it will start over again.


Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Grow up, guys.

Well, things seem on their way to betterness, when the Queen finally decides to try to come to terms with me.

You know, at this point my civilization has suffered exactly one casualty, and that was from a random horde of barbarians.
The Aztecs lost one horseman from this war, I lost nothing. Worst war ever.

Anyway, we signed a peace treaty, we exhanged some knowledge, a few hugs, and things are nice and peachy again.
Thecydides (Who?) decides it's about time he wrote a list of all the countries he knew.

Only four civilizations left. How disappointing. Being third no longer sounds so great.

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