Archie's Double Digest 134
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[edit] Information
- Comic
Year: 2002
Publisher: Archie Comics
[edit] Our Pandas Are Missing
Okay, that's the weirdest use of the word cunning I've ever heard. Wiktionary says it's correct to use the word to mean cute, but the usage is rare. I think this is another instance of Archie's writers having no grasp on how kids talk these days.
Brace yourself, folks. This is going to get really stupid.
WOW! Amazing how the police didn't notice that. Archie is a genius!
No, I take that back. Rather than turn this over to the police who have experience, manpower, and resources to deal with it, Archie instead elects to look up the initials in the PHONE BOOK.
[edit] The Highlight
My brain! Where do I start? Sure, the Q narrows it down. But he still has to look through every single name starting with T until he compiles a shortlist of first names that start with Q, which is assuming the person is listed in the phone book and that the phone book entry is listed under their name and not their relative or significant other. OR he can just go with the first one he finds, then investigate on his own. So now, aside from withholding evidence from the police, Archie is now going to either harass someone or trespass on their property based entirely on the fact that their initials are Q.T. Here are some thoughts: Maybe it's a novelty cuff link the says "QT" because it sounds like "Cutie." Maybe it belongs to one of the thousands of people who visit a zoo on a daily basis. Maybe Mr. Q.T. is from another city. Maybe Archie is a huge retard who thinks he's being clever when he's really just wasting time and gasoline. But no, because the writers said so, of course he's right. Which means instead, he's pointlessly risking his life trying to track down a criminal on his own.
Evidently this criminal mastermind left his gates wide open and they just drive right on through.
Oh, come on! Why would a pickup be "perfect" for transporting pandas? Pandas are huge. You'd be lucky to fit one in there. Are we to believe that someone could transport two live pandas in the back of a pickup truck all the way to "way out in the Boondocks" without any witnesses? Furthermore, as Jughead kindly points out: Owning a truck is not evidence of a crime. I swear, Jughead is smarter than the writers.
Well, isn't that totally convenient? It's a good thing this amazing burglar leaves behind glaringly obvious clues every step of the way.
Isn't it sad that the least stupid panel on this page is a bad guy popping out of nowhere to congratulate them before capturing them? I think the artist did a good job of conveying the truth here. Archie's face is saying, "Duh?" and Jughead's face is saying, "I told you this was stupid." |
So it turns out it was all a conspiracy to steal the pandas for some eccentric rich guy. Now that we know this, why in barf's name did Archie find that first clue? Why would his minions have one of his cuff links with them when they stole the pandas?
I also love how Mr. Talbot doesn't go anywhere without a huge diamond-studded tie, and a scepter held high with one pinky out as if he's drinking tea.
Please--if there's a Jesus--please have the panda devour Archie's hands.
-sigh- There's no justice in the world. Archie's corny line about not being able to tell if it's a boy or girl should be reason enough for him to get mauled.
Let's see. The guard decides it's a good idea to back into them and then talk to them while facing away. For some reason the flashlight beam goes behind Jughead even though he has his back to the cage. And finally, Archie's grab is so incredibly easy to escape from. Did I miss anything? Is there anything else dreadfully stupid I didn't notice?
They also left their gates wide open again.
Wow, that cop is way too eager to draw out his gun. Look at the big smile on his face.
Guys, you used that plot device twice already. Try to advance the story without the bad guy leaving incredibly obvious incriminating evidence just lying around.
What!? A clone? What would make you think of that? I would probably be thinking "It's times like these I wish I had super powers." Seriously. What good would a clone do? Is he hoping the clone would get killed so he doesn't have to risk his own life? That's just twisted.
Argh! Is everyone in this comic a moron?
- Even with a flashlight, Joe Crook here can't tell the difference between a kid and a hat on a stick from ten feet away.
- What does Jughead gain by this ruse? They still know where he is and are about to come clobber him.
This actually is never even resolved. It doesn't explain what happens to Jughead and just moves on to Archie rescuing the pandas.
Junior G-Man? That's the best he can come up with? That doesn't even make any sense! "G-Man" means "Government Man." It's not just slang for a detective. Do your research, people!
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In typical Archie fashion, the story ends with a half-assed obnoxiously stupid joke. Thanks, guys.
The plot holes here are so numerous, it's my belief that anyone belonging to any of these categories would have a stroke:
- A cop - "What's that, kid? You trespassed onto someone else's property to illegally obtain evidence and are using this as a basis for me to disturb an influential billionaire in the middle of the night? Sure, thing, kid. We don't need a warrant. I'll just whip out my gun right away!"
- News reporters, particularly investigative reporters. Between the police investigators and the news reports, nobody notices a cuff link, and then Archie discovers it right away the next afternoon?
- Anyone who works in a zoo, or works directly with large mammals such as pandas.
- Anyone working for a phone company.
- Anyone knowledgeable about cars, particularly pickup trucks.
- I think this is also probably extremely offensive to criminals. I mean, I've never met one, but I think that if I so much as stole a kitten from a pet store, I wouldn't just toss it in the back of a truck and then leave cat food all over the flatbed.
[edit] The Breakdancing Break
Brahahahaha! I don't know what's funnier. The weird breakdancing guys on the floor with their goofy grins, the smug-looking guy standing on one foot in the most awkward pose I've ever seen, or the fact that everyone appears to be so close to each other, they should all be tripping at once.
Also, didn't the slang term "righteous" stop being used in the early 90s? This comic was released in 2002.
So they worked out a medley and a dance routine without communicating with each other and they assume it will somehow sync up perfectly? That's just crazy... HAHAHAH, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GUY IN THE PURPLE DOING?
To the beat, y'all!
[edit] The Great Chicken Chase
I know every time I go out on an errand, I speak out loud to myself about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. Is all this exposition even necessary? How badly do we really need to know why Archie's picking up Mr. Weatherbee's car?
Foreshadowing!
Did that guy say "Gasp"? And how do these guys know the crooks' names? Does Archie take place in a perpetual wild-west era where guys can get famous for running around robbing banks and get away with it because security technology is just not sophisticated enough?
Why did these crooks go to the bother of making this big huge attack vehicle? Just so they could bust through a wall during open hours of operation? Sure, that's one way to get into a building full of other people who gained access by walking through the front door.
Instead of sneaking in and out, they create a huge spectacle in the middle of a parade, which is bound to have police on-site already, and draw attention to themselves, making it so much harder to get away with it.
The first pun was excruciating enough. Smooth criminal here punctuates it with a laugh just to let you know that it's a joke. But then the teller getting robbed cracks a joke too? What did I ever do to Archie Comics to deserve this?
Okay, this confirms my theory about Riverdale's technology. No silent alarm. No cell phones. They have to yell out the window to a nearby cop. And of course he doesn't radio in to tell the others what's going on. He just hops in someone's car and pursues them alone.
I have to say, though, this panel rules:
Classic.
What? A promotion? For firing wildly at criminals while in the middle of a high-traffic street, in a civilian's car?
How did this cop pass the psychiatric evaluation when he signed up? Also, damn, guys! If you're not going to just say "Jay Leno" at least try to come up with an interesting sounding celebrity name. All you did was change one letter! And it's just the next letter, alphabetically. That's like the least possible effort they could have put into it. I can do that all day. Look: Niley Cyrus. Xinona Ryder. Cill Paxton. Erew Barrymore.
The final "screw you" to the readers of this story: This big "army attack vehicle" made of "welded armor plate" driven by "two powerful engines" can glide!? Hey, and how come Archie and that cop aren't crushed to death?
[edit] The Flip-Floppers Fly Again
Damn it! Just when I was ready to forget these guys existed. What the hell, Archie Comics?
Do I need a comment?
Oh come on! Breakdancing suddenly makes you an expert crime-fighter? Okay, admittedly the crook didn't appear all that bright, but it's still stupid. Especially when you resort to an attack where your face is muffled by your opponent's butt.
I think I should congratulate the writers. I've heard "moon-kicking step" so often now I forgot why it's even stupid.
[edit] It Came from the Cafeteria
You can already tell this is going to be horrible. I don't know if it's the lame lack of attempt at a scientific explanation, or if it's the fact that it's supposed to be a horror comic but has Archie's smiling face on the title panel.
Damn, Jughead. That's cold.
Yeah. Let's follow the giant green monster. Brilliant.
Okay, that doesn't sound so bad. That's actually sort of logical. Except, you know, the principal involving his kids in something potentially dangerous like following a monster around.
Oh, I see. So they're going for the whole "it's not a monster, it's just sweet and misunderstood" angle. Archie Comics masterfully sways from one cliché to another.
How could someone possibly confuse that statement? Who shouts out, "I've got an idea! I'm going to get a drink!" even when the situation is not potentially life-threatening?
What do you mean, it makes sense? Nothing about that makes sense! And how is the principal of the damn school not aware of the many places where he can find water? There's even a fire hose right there in front of him!
Oh and incidentally, what about these authorities that Mrs. Grundy called? There's no immediate danger, so can't they just wait?
Wh...WHAT?! They gave Mr. Weatherbee an action movie line? Forget that... they gave him a one-liner and that's the best they could come up with?
Also, what the hell? They just established the monster was only infatuated with a girl and meant them no harm and they solve the problem by murdering it. Then they literally dance on its corpse. What kind of message is that!?
How could anyone eat anything she makes anymore? Why is that woman even still employed? She literally created a monster.
Hey, and those authorities never showed up.
