Castlevania II: Simon's Quest

"A FLAME IS ON TOP OF THE 6TH TREE IN DENIS WOODS."

You quickly learn with this game that most of the clues you get from villagers are either B.S. or translated so badly that they're impossible to figure out. There's actually no flame on top of any of the trees in Denis woods. All the trees are in the background, so even if there was, I don't see how this would be a hint. Closest I can figure is that there is a weapon you can find called the Sacred Flame, but it's not even in the woods.

"RUMOR HAS IT, THE FERRY-MAN AT DEAD RIVER LOVES GARLIC."

Note: The ferry-man does not react in any way to garlic. This clue is worthless.

"A MAGIC POTION WILL DESTROY THE WALL OF EVIL"

There are no magic potions in this game. There are vials of holy water which you can use to destroy certain walls, but these walls are all identical to normal walls so I don't see what's so evil about them and I still don't get where "magic potion" comes in.

"LAURELS IN YOUR SOUP ENHANCES ITS AROMA."

Good to know.

"A RIB CAN SHIELD YOU FROM EVIL."

For some reason you can use Dracula's rib as a shield. I have no idea why, or why this villager seems to think this would apply to just any old rib.

"TO RESTORE YOUR LIFE, SHOUT IN FRONT OF THE CHURCH."

Or, you know, go inside the church and rest. At what point in the translation process did "shouting" enter the picture? Oh well. It's a fun idea that someone can be cured from their injuries by stepping in front of a Church and just yelling.

"BUY SOME GARLIC. IT HAS SPECIAL POWERS."

It's called gas.

"DRACULA'S EYEBALL REFLECTS THE CURSE."

What?

"GET A SILK BAG FROM THE GRAVEYARD DUCK TO LIVE LONGER."

What the HELL is the Graveyard Duck?

"I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A GOOD LOOKING GUY LIKE YOU."

Um. Thanks... ma'am....

"I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER."

I just want you to imagine how weird it would be to walk into some random woman on the street and for her to say this.

"HIT DEBORAH CLIFF WITH YOUR HEAD TO MAKE A HOLE."

This is incredibly wacky. There's no way to make a hole in Deborah Cliff or even really a way for you to hit it with your head. This somehow is meant to mean: "If you have the red crystal, go over to Deborah Cliff and duck down for several seconds and then a tornado will come out of nowhere and teleport you to an otherwise inaccessible mansion."

"I'LL SEE YOU AT MIDNIGHT ON THE RIVER BANK."

Note: Going near any body of water at midnight does not accomplish anything. This person does not, nor does anyone else ever show up at the river bank.

"DON'T MAKE ME STAY. I'LL DIE."

Huh?

"DON'T LOOK INTO THE DEATH STAR, OR YOU WILL DIE."

Setting aside the unintended Star Wars reference, this is incredibly bizarre. There's no death star. There's not even a single thing in this entire game that will kill you for looking at it.

"BELIEVE IN MAGIC AND YOU'LL BE SAVED."

What?!

"TAKE MY DAUGHTER, PLEASE!!"

Now that's parenting.

"WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, WOMEN LOVED ME."

Good to know, gramps.

"DIG UP THE 4TH GRAVE IN THE CEMETERY FOR A DIAMOND."

Take a minute to think about how messed up this is. If you had a diamond hidden under a grave, would you tell the first person who comes along this secret? More importantly, if someone on the street told you you'd find a diamond if you dig up a grave, would you desecrate someone's final resting place and potentially get yourself in a lot of trouble over their word that there's a diamond there? What reason would you possibly have to believe them? The fact that there's no way to dig up any graves in this game is almost immaterial. The real way to get this diamond is by walking into the graveyard and throwing garlic on the floor to summon some mysterious stranger who just gives it to you for free.

"A MAN LIVING IN DARKNESS CAN GIVE YOUR WHIP POWER."

Right.

"YOU'VE UPSET THE PEOPLE. NOW GET OUT OF TOWN!!"

Why? What did I do!? Does this have anything to do with all the body parts I'm carrying around?

"AFTER CASTLEVANIA I WARNED YOU NOT TO RETURN."

"I told you the sequel would suck."

"I'LL GIVE YOU THIS SILVER KNIFE TO SAVE YOUR NECK."

Uh..., thanks.

"SURE, I'LL TAKE YOU TO A GOOD PLACE. HEH!! HEH!! HEH!!"

Very unsuspicious.

"I'LL GIVE YOUR MORNING STAR POWER TO BURN AWAY EVIL."

Thanks, Man Living In Darkness.

"A SYMBOL OF EVIL WILL APPAER WHEN YOU STRIKE THE STAKE."

What? A pear?

"DESTROY THE CURSE AND YOU'LL RULE BRAHM'S MANSION."

Hooray?

"A FLAME FLICKERS INSIDE THE RING OF FIRE."

Floor slippery when wet.

"GARLIC IN THE GRAVEYARD SUMMONS A STRANGER."

This one almost makes sense. Still, weird that the game requires you to waste garlic (which is a powerful weapon that costs 25 hearts per use and can only be used twice) by throwing it on the ground in a graveyard.

"WAIT FOR A SOUL WITH A RED CRYSTAL ON DEBORAH CLIFF."

By hitting it with your head to make a hole.