Jughead Jones 83
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[edit] Information
- Comic
Year: 1993
Publisher: Archie Comics
[edit] Donut Disturbed!
Wow. I'm at a loss. Just what happened here? Did Archie buy all the donuts even though they're all going to Jughead? If Jughed bought himself a box and told Archie he could have one, that's one thing, but this is just weird.
Jughead discovers that the holes on the donuts are bigger than usual and that their favourite donut shop is ripping them off. I'm doing you a favour by skipping his rant about big businesses ripping off their customers by reducing the size of their products and still charging full price.
I like how she sneaked a donut in the middle of their conversation. I mean, it could just be part of the Riverdale social dynamic that people share their donuts with people but you don't see Archie offer her one, or hold out the box for her, or anything. She just swipes one in the middle of their conversation about Jughead's behaviour.
If they know he's been out there for three hours, does that mean they were sitting in Pop's all that time? How long does it take to finish a meal?
Also, DAMN YOU WRITERS THAT IS A HORRIBLE PUN! The pun would have been stupid and obvious enough if it just said "IT'S A HOLEY WAR" but they had to put "HOLE" in quotes and add a hyphen to bludgeon you to death with bad comedy.
Bad comedy aside, how is this sign going to educate people? Is anyone going to see that sign and go "They're making donut holes bigger to rip us off"? I think more likely they're going to ask, "What's with the fruitcake in the spiky hat protesting a donut place?"
First of all, why did Jughead take a picture of himself holding a donut?
Second, what does this prove? What we have is a picture of Jughead holding a donut. There's no indication that it's even by the same company. Even if the picture was taken of it still inside the box, how can anyone be sure he didn't just take some other donut and stick it in the box? And even if we can assume it is a donut by the same company, we have one photograph of one donut that has a slightly smaller hole (two millimetres in fact). All it proves is that Jughead once had a donut that was of a slightly different size. How does that prove that they have changed the way they make them? It could have been an aberration. There are a hundred different explanations here!
Yet, when the shop owner sees the evidence, he's all "MY WEB OF LIES HAS COME CRUMBLING DOWN LIKE A HOUSE OF CARDS!"
Ugh. Okay, first of all, I think anyone with a little bit of thought put into it would realize that they're NOT made from donut holes. How can you tell?
1: Not all donuts have holes. Apple fritters, Dutchies, crullers, etc. You can find "munch'ems" of these donuts as well.
2: If they were made from the holes, they'd be cylindrical, not spherical.
Even if they were made from the holes, do you really think this business would be so stupid that they wouldn't realize that they're making their donut balls bigger?
Oh, and above all else, Captain Hypocrisy here decides he only cares about a big corporation ripping people off when it happens to him. As soon as he realizes he can rip them off back, he just gives up spreading the word and merrily profits off their blunder. What a hero.
[edit] Mr. Lucky
Skip past multiple panels of people causing accidents and getting into fights.
Incidentally, I thought they made up this character for this strip, but apparently Jinx Malloy is an old Archie comics character that's been making sporadic appearances since the 1960s.
What the hell kind of logic is that? If you want to avoid her, go somewhere else. Why would he go so far as to hide under someone's hat and blanket and endure massive heat just to avoid an unpleasant conversation? Does he not think the owner might possibly ever in a million years come back for their stuff?
I don't know enough about witchcraft or whatever to be able to tell you if throwing the poor guy into the water somehow puts an end to the bad luck. Is this something they commonly do in Riverdale, or did they make it up on the spot? I don't know.
And by an insane leap of logic, they assume Reggie must have been responsible all along. How many overly convenient irrational decisions lead to this? How ridiculous can it get? Hold on, let me try.
A bald bank robber makes his getaway by buying a wig. Meanwhile some guy who looks nothing like him, called in sick to work so he could have the day off. But his boss walks by, so to avoid getting recognized, he shaves his head. The cops find him and assume because he's bald that he's the culprit and he's arrested and convicted.
No, I take it back. My version is less ridiculous. Even though Reggie's nowhere near it, they still blame it on him based on the fact that he's WEARING A HAT!
[edit] What's in a Name?
When I think of tough guys I think of curly afros.
Guys, you are not going to fool anyone into thinking you're tough. First of all, look the hell at what you're wearing. A pink sweater? A vest with your high school letter on it over top of a dress shirt and khakis?
But the pink sweater only heightens the fruitiness of this pose.
There's more concentrated badass in a 5-year old girl decked out in Hello Kitty gear having tea time with her kitten and her older brother's G.I. Joes. At least the Joes have kung fu grip and the cat can start some shit.
Here's a great way to avoid unwanted attention. LOUDLY AND SUSPICIOUSLY converse with each other entirely as an excuse to use your brand new made up tough guy names.
"Oh, your name is Spike. You must be a tough guy. Proceed."
If this is how Archie acts tough, I can't even imagine him acting like a sissy.
Are they all mad at the fact that Spike is not his real name? (It can't possibly be a nickname!) Or maybe they're just mad because they're trying to have a game of pool and some idiot is yelling his name into a phone.
You know, I think this is actually a pretty realistic depiction of what would go down here. I mean, the writers intended for this to be Archie's brilliant facade being horribly destroyed and having a bunch of tough guys beat him up because his name is Archie, but it really just looks like they're making fun of him for being such a tool.
This is such a parallel to Napoleon Dynamite. I wouldn't be surprised if Archie was trying to tell them he spent the holidays hunting wolverines with a twelve-gauge and that he learned illegal ninja moves from the government.
You magical buffoons. Your names had nothing to do with it. The reason you got in trouble was because you were being dumbasses and making up obvious lies to try to impress people.
If they actually just acted like their normal dopey selves and used their real names the other guys probably wouldn't even have noticed them. Although if they changed into something less gay, that would have helped too.
[edit] Math Appeal
What grade are these girls in!? They're obviously in high school, and they're just learning to multiply by nine? I knew America's school system was bad, but wow.
[edit] Dress for Distress
Who is this freak-ass girl to talk!? If nothing else, I'd be totally embarrassed to be seen on a date with a girl who uses the word "golly" in 1993.
You know, one day the Archie writers are going to learn how to write a little better and end up in the grey area between "good writing" and "so bad it's good writing" and no one will want to read it anymore.
[edit] Click Pick
This was a pretty standard lame Archie gag and I wasn't going to include it until I saw the expression on Archie's face.
What does this face convey? It's like he finds the comedic genius of Jughead's line astounding.
Look at this guy.
Oh, what the hell. Let's throw this back in again.
